How Quitting my Job and Chronic Dissatisfaction Helped me Find Happiness

One of my most favorite scenes in a movie is from 'Vicky Cristina Barcelona', when Penelope Cruz, with her perfectly disheveled hair, passionately accuses Scarlett Johansson of having “chronic dissatisfaction”: “Chronic dissatisfaction, that’s what you have. Chronic dissatisfaction.”

I like that scene because she's talking to me, figuratively. I also imagine that if Penelope Cruz were talking to me, literally, I would be pretty pleased with that.

All jokes aside, I just turned 25 and I quit my job about a month ago. This was my third job in a reputable sector, where I had spent a few years in tech marketing, then half a year in automotive marketing in LA then SF. I got to host shwanky parties at Coachella and run the show at SuperBowl and shake Joe Montana's hand – but quickly, because of course I had to run off to meet 'the people' at The Rolling Stone magazine for some meeting. It sounds so, terribly LA cool.

The truth of the matter was that all of this wasn't for me, so much so that I lost 10 lbs during one stint and even considered work-related counseling. If you know me, breaking down like this is the antithesis of me: I can handle a lot, learn quickly, perform well, shoulder others' burdens, and run my life a million-miles-a-minute. My packed calendars from high school and the University of Southern California are so colorful that I get cross-eyed looking at them now. My roommate during this particular dark period called me “the iBanker boyfriend that she never had” because I was gone all the time and had a devoid look in my eyes. I honestly even considered trying smoking to ease my stress. Please keep in mind that I can barely handle second-hand smoke in Vegas.

All of this is funny now.

The reason for the stress was more than the hours and what I often deemed unimportant stress; it was as simple as the fact that I was not listening to my heart and yet, kept making career decisions that were totally against my “calling” in life. As an extremely cause-driven, bleeding-heart type-of-girl who posts inspiration quotes on her mirror, I was disgusted with myself for spending 80-94% of my day exerting energy and brainpower on things that didn't matter to me. But I masochistically kept at it because the path was safe, familiar. I also am not the type of person who knew at a young age that I wanted to “be” a designated profession, so I couldn't quite pinpoint what that exact next step would be. However, I kept thinking that I could grow to like something, or that moving to a new city and having new adventures, could help me cope. It didn't.

For three years, I lived in a parallel mindset: I lived a “real self” but had an “ideal self” whose paths I thought could never intersect. Despite the confidence I exuded, I felt completely inauthentic. If my heart was the penny in the pool, I wasn't even swimming in the water to try to find it; I was standing at the edge of the pool, staring at my reflection and feeling trepidation about how cold the water would feel.

One foggy Sunday in SF, about eight months after I had moved there, I woke up at 8am on a Sunday and just stared at my ceiling for two hours. It was a moment I will never forget because this was the moment that I became sick of myself. I was sick of hearing myself complain and for making decisions without truly assessing their implications. I was sick of feeling unhappy. I wanted myself to shut up, to start “being about it” rather than “talking about it.” If I was going to be away from my family but not fervently chasing a dream or listening to my heart or whatever, then I saw no point in me doing what I was doing just because “I need to.”

A word about risk: moving to a new city is, to many, a big risk, but I found this to be 'the next big compromise' for me. After sharing my journey with many, I'm finding that not many people think like this; especially at my age, they want to start establishing roots and building a comfortable life. I, on the other hand, start feeling extremely suffocated once I feel myself settling somewhere. Visualizing a future in the corporate world with fun romps around SF, which is an insane and insanely fun city, suffocated me. Depending on your outlook on life, I either have commitment issues or I am just a free spirit. Your call. Either way, I would not have traded my experience in SF for anything. That city changed my life by providing mental clarity through the fog.

From that moment on, I embraced risk and became my own personal coach. It took months for me to gather the courage to tell myself that I could leave my job and take a leap into the unknown. Various blogs and aphorisms helped me tremendously with this period of transition:

• Brazen Careerist's article, “How to Succeed as a Multi-Passionate Careerist” 
• The quote by Maya Angelou, “There is no greater agony than the untold story inside of you.”
• The blog, “Live in the Grey”
• The quote, “If you don't like where you are, change it. You are not a tree.”
• My friend Ellen Huerta's article, “Why I Left Google"

I was on a path to reclaiming my life, and when I finally pulled the trigger on my job and set dates for moving out, I cannot begin to tell you the physical and emotional changes my body underwent. I literally started dreaming again because the imagination part of my brain was unlocked. I actually had fewer urges to write because my journal had always been a source for me to paint my “ideal self”. I had finally taken the step to bring those pages to life. A coworker approached me once and said I was looking radiant. Other than the fact that I had just highlighted my hair, I do think it's because I was smiling more.

My plan now is to go abroad, volunteer, and perhaps find full-time work in a sector that captures my heart. I have saved up my own money to support these endeavors but also know I am fortunate to have an incredible family and friend support network who have housed and supported me through this process. I completely get that I am extremely fortunate to even have this opportunity to have a chance to re-align my career and not have to worry about health or financial issues – the thing is with life though, is that you never know what's going to happen, hence why I am seizing the day. Carpe Diem. My mindset has done a complete 180; rather than being fearful and asking “what if”, I feel more fearless and see this world as a place of endless opportunities that are at the fingertips of so many people who have the tools to better the world and better themselves.

It feels so, so good to be lost in the right direction. More importantly, it feels good to embrace this ideology and not force myself into the wrong direction. The concept of choice is not often taken seriously, but we must prepare ourselves for our choices and dig deep to know why we're doing what we're doing. I'm enjoying the journey, the present moment, and not caring what others think because we are all on our own paths. I have faith that all the dots will connect and that my choices will surmount to something great. Fears and success are nothing but a state of mind. I may be called crazy or naïve, but I would rather embrace the unknown and give my heart a go rather than constantly living in a stagnant, half-dead state of mind. Too many people let life just happen to them and I refuse to be like that. Life is fun. Life is an adventure. Life is a wild ride. Start driving.

As for “Chronic Dissatisfaction”, Karl Lagerfield once put it this way: “I live in a state of permanent dissatisfaction. I think it's the key to doing things well.”