"What a shame": is that your life? Why you need to adopt a "change-or-die" mentality

I woke up on a Sunday in early August 2013 and laid in bed for two hours, tangled in the sheets, staring at the ceiling while the fog of San Francisco rolled by my bay window, asking myself for the millionth time, "can I really do it?"  That's how life felt at the time, actually: I felt my life was just steadily passing by and all my goals in life were becoming clouded.  I was drifting away from my authentic self and saw that person -- soon to be a ghost -- peering at the real me through that window, shaking her head, shaking her head.

What a shame.

Throughout the next few weeks, I felt the presence of that person in every situation of my, truth-be-told, charmed life: steady and challenging corporate job, awesome apartment in San Francisco, an abundance of the best friends anyone could ask for, good health.

But as I moved through the motions of everyday life -- getting coffee to 'break up my day' in that cubicle life, happy hour, exercising -- I knew I was feigning happiness and well, running from the gnawing feeling inside me.

That person kept whispering to me as I conversed with coworkers, with friends: "This isn't you.  Not yet.  You haven't lived out the next chapter of your story yet."


Maya Angelou once said, "there is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you", and that untold story in my life was a burning desire to travel long-term to South America and to work in a cause-related field.  I'd wanted to do this for six years (six years!) -- I can even go back to journals in college where I documented this -- but had chosen to suppress them as I chose to live out a more conventional, safe life (which I am not not-grateful for!).  I still took what others might see as risks, but looking back, I realized I had settled to make decisions that were, to me, 'the next best compromise.'

All of those compromises finally caught up to me: little fragments that had accumulated and snowballed into a cancer I could no longer ignore.  That hypothetical person's voice grew from a whisper to a shout; she dominated my conversations with others and overpowered the old thoughts in my head.  I became obsessed, really obsessed, with the idea of quitting my job to travel and to make the plunge to another field.

I talked about it so much that it became real.   "I want to go to South America" became "I need to go to South America" became "I am going to South America."

There was no other option but to make it happen.

I became sick of hearing myself talk through this hypothetical person than be the person.  This reminds me of when people say, "I am living vicariously through you."  Yay, but no.  We need to live vicariously through ourselves.  

I knew I had to start being about it rather than just talking about it.  Seriously, the feeling was so strong that I was positive I had never been more sure of anything in my entire life.

I had a moment where I snapped, and in a span of a very quick few weeks, I quit my job, soon moved out, and used the money that I had been saving -- yes, I had been saving for years for this -- to embark on a three month solo journey in South America.  No job secured after, but I didn't care. 

To not fulfill this dream of mine was the equivalent of shutting the door in the face of a loved one who came to me, asking for help.  The dream was a part of me.  I had poured my heart's blood, nights waking up in a sweat, and tears into it.  If I denied it, I would have killed a part of my soul.

"Killed your soul."  Cut the drama, right?  Whatever.  Life, for people who are passionate to live it, is "either a daring adventure or nothing at all", as Helen Keller put it.  Life IS a drama.  Our lives are stories that we have to write ourselves.


So I went on my solo trip.  December 2013 - March 2014.  It was the trip of a lifetime, and I have always hesitated to use such a grandiose statement.  Bolivia, Brazil, Argentina.  Memories, people, places that will forever be woven into every ounce of the soul that was once at danger of being lost.  It really changed my life.

Do you know what happened when I came back?

I was rejuvenated, enamored with humanity, and curious yet again, yes, but amazingly, everything else lined up in perfect, perfect timing.  Job offers in the field I wanted all along, within days of each other.  I promise, when you decide on something, the universe WILL conspire to make it happen.  It has happened to me.

Change is no longer on the horizon; it has passed and it is here to stay.

"Embrace the Fall."  Me at Iguassu Falls (Brazil), January 2014.

******

"Change-or-die" is the mentality I had to pull myself out of a situation that I was content with, but not full-on enamored with.  And you should be enamored with the life you're living, because why not?  You deserve to live out your dreams.  Fear is what holds us back -- I had a fear of this unknown for six years -- but once you break through it, confront it, and let the door hit it on its way out, I am telling you, you will open up so much more room for confidence and ideas and excitement to manifest within you.

Is there something you've always wanted to do?  Take the step now, even if it's just a small one, to do it.  Heck, the last thing I wanted to do was to look back on my past and label it a wasted youth: "what a shame" that I didn't live up to my potential.  Hell no.  Too many people let life happen to them; you have to take control and make things happen for yourself.

Who wants to just exist?  If you want to truly live but feel like you're just floating, waiting for the next best compromise, snap out of it.

Change or let your soul die.  It's your choice.  When all your cards are on the table like that, you best bet you will light the fire and make it happen.